A Roller-Coaster :) !!!

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming -- WOW -- What a Ride! -- Anonymous

As I move on... A Pause...

Today it’s supposed to be my last working day at my current work place! Since a week or two, the very thought of I going away from this place is evoking in me a strong nostalgic feelings. Very weird feelings are throttling my heart and mind since then and trying to come out in every form, which I’m not able to express in words, I started to feel as if I’m going away from my home where I grew up, as if one is leaving everything they cherished behind and going away for some thing unknown, as if I’m forsaking some thing which is close to my heart… So many memories are associated with this work place, many things happened, went through a roller-coaster of emotions, experienced strangest feelings ever felt, sweetest to the bitter most, angriest to most the most helplessness. This place has witnessed those events of my life which changed the course of it forever and rebuilt a person in me. This place taught me the lessons of life, made me realize what a true happiness is, made me humble enough to understand that there are many things in life which I can not change, and there are very few things which I can change, and gave me the courage to go beyond my fear and change those certain things which I could, irrespective of consequences. Showed me that no matter what I can not retake those shots of my life, there is no undo option; but only a Redo! It made me more stronger and more human then ever.

This job was a deep down desire of my heart, a wish which came true, a voice which got answered, and a miracle that happened to me! This job gave me a name to my unknown face, gave me an identity which I was longing for. It made me believe that "When some one wishes for some thing whole heartedly, whole universe conspires to make it happen"

That was a hardest and bitterest time of my life, a sweet dream of my life had turned out to be a bitter most nightmare. It made me a slave to a situation. Had burnt out all my dreams, aspirations and had left no desires, no feelings, and no expectations in me, absolutely drained out all emotions and all the emptiness of world filled in me. Nothing mattered to me in my life, was just living for the sake of living. But there was just one tiny ray of hope which filled my heart once in a while and giving me hope that things would change, a breeze would come in and soothe my heart and would allow me to recollect broken pieces of myself into one and integrate me... wished that one day I would break all those chains and fly freely to the sky. That ray of hope was my job, my work, my desperation, my aspiration and deep down desire of heart and that kept me going on even when I thought I could not.

It was a Thursday night. I was realizing that things were going bad to worst; the hope was becoming bleak and did not know what to do! I just sat helplessly, eyes filled, folding my hands, surrendered myself totally to the Nature, the God and with my whole heart and soul, I cried for help, I cried for independence, I cried for liberation…I asked to interfere into my life and bring some peace into it and I closed my eyes…

Friday, next day as usual got up in morning, did not know what that day had brought in for me, day was just unfolding slowly and I was busy with usual days stuff, I heard phone ringing. Casually I lifted the phone; I heard a familiar voice, it was one of old colleague and a good friend of mine. Mere hearing his voice lifted my spirits and I was all smiling and talking to him. This was first time I was talking to him after a gap of year or more. After hearing him I was speechless, could not believe what I heard and I was shocked, speechless and dumb! I could not stop but thanked God for the answer I received for my helpless cry. He said that he called me to find out if I’m interested in joining the company he was working for, they were looking for people with a similar skill set as of mine. He said if I’m interested he would arrange a meeting with respective people and start the hiring process. I said WHAT? Is that true or am I dreaming? He had the patience to explain me everything again and I was still in that shock and heard him saying that he would come and pick me up in the afternoon. I was wondering and wondering and thanked God many a times for the answer I received. As he promised he came to pick me up and I was delighted to see him, we talked and talked till we reached the office, he did not have any clue what so ever was happening with my life and me!! As usual he kept on pulling my legs, and I just kept smiling for his comments and went with him, met few great people in the company, they seemed happy with me and agreed to do further processing and asked me when I could start? All these things were happening in such a fast pace, I did not know what was going on around me and I was in total shock and was wondering to see this sudden change of events?!? I was asking myself is this true? Did I just get a job? And yes that was true, a real fact which changed my life all together. I witnessed a miracle, it was Friday and a long weekend was about to start, I was more than happy to join them immediately after that weekend, on Tuesday!! By end of that great day I had a job in my hand and belief in my heart!! And rest is now a history.

It made me believe that happiness lies for those who have had searched, for those who were hurt, for those who craved, for those who fell down and got up again, because only they know the true meaning of happiness, they know the value of people who touched their heart and helped them to get back up again. A place which gave solace to my broken heart, soothed my feelings and integrated me to rediscover myself and to be a person what I’m today. This is the place where I met those wonderful people who touched my heart with their kindness and with their unconditional support. I’m thankful to them for my rest of my life. I’m taking with me tons and tons of these fond memories, which I would cherish and keep them close to my heart forever.

Before I say “Good Bye to U” I salute you and bow humbly before you for everything you have given to me. May billion stars shine upon you!

Chimneys to Chutneys...

Today I was talking to a friend of mine at work. As we spoke our conversation suddenly took a serious turn about life and as usual I started blabbering some serious stuff, then he asked me why don't I write a blog? And later he shared one of his recent postings, for which I'm yet to write a comment! Yes I thought about blogging since a year or so, had created an account in blogspot and wrote some things in it and never dared to post, thinking that it would reveal too much of myself and my state of mind at that time and my seriousness!!?? now that I guess I have grown old by a year since last year (so lost a bit of that seriousness :) and have gained a bit of courage too to laugh at those thoughts and dare to share with others.

As I started digging into the old stuff which I had written a year back or so, which was nothing but my random thoughts scribbled on a notepad, sitting all alone in a hotel room of Seattle. Instead of editing those writings, I started remembering the funny experiences I had during a week long stay.

I had just come back from India, leaving all loved ones back there and struggling to answer many unanswered questions!! I can say that my mind was set in thinking mode, would not do anything other than sit and think!!! and think what? anything and everything! and at that time I had to visit Seattle!! what a right timings! the place where I did not have any friends then, [now thankfully I have one of my great buddy there and I wish my company sent me there for how ever long they want :)] but then as my mind was closed, short-circuited and did not want to talk to anybody or make any new friends. I was all alone myself in a hotel room, driving to MS campus in the rain, doing nothing other than bugging those MS guys,wandering around the building and come back to hotel in the evening, eat the togo parcel packed from nearby Mayuri and again watch TV, watch aimlessly the rain, clouds, trees, parking lot, cars and few people here and there and then again just sit and think about every possible thing about life. [That was the time I started putting all the serious stuff I mentioned above into words, I had no other option but to write!] The same routine went on for a week and there came a weekend, absolutely did not know what to do, first time I felt Santa Clara, my home, a home away from home and missed everything about it. The eagerness to get back was growing in my heart but I was supposed to be there for few more days and spend the weekend over there.

That weekend I was tired of doing nothing, so decided that I will try out some different restaurant in Seattle, was bored with my regular Mayuri, and was looking into the list of restaurants provided in the hotel room, among them Chutney's caught my eyes, remembered the one in Hyd and its delicious dosa and that yummy coconut chutney, was that steam dosa?? I don't remember now, but then I thought of that and decided to explore the downtown of Seattle. By then I had fair idea of Seattle, Belleuve, Redmond’s geography and confident that I would not get lost anywhere. [All those streets are numbered and cross each other, one set starts with hundreds and other with ones and they intersect perpendicularly. Just by knowing these 2 numbers one could easily figure out the near by places]

With that (over) confident I did not bother to take the direction and started to Chutneys. I drove and drove for many miles, I was still on the same road, and I did not see anywhere the board Chutneys. Went into all possible malls hoping that I would find it and have steam dosa! I continued to drive around searching for it, by then I realized that I made a mistake of not taking the right direction and scolding myself for being over confident. But still I did not want to go back without finding it. I gave myself a chance, I thought, will take this one turn and go there if I don't find then, will go back to good old reliable Mayuri and I was thinking this and was waiting for a signal. I heard some one from other lane trying to tell me some thing; I slid my windows down to listen to him. "You are driving without headlights being turned on" Ooops! OMG! thank you was my first reaction. At that same moment before I could do anything lights turned green, there were cars behind, it was a rental car, unfamiliar new car, I'm on some unknown road, trying to find a "known" restaurant in an unknown place!!, could not do anything, just went into the first parking lot encountered on the way, entered it. I saw a police car passing by. Until then I was fearless driving bindaas, now that I knew I'm driving without lights on, the fear crept in me, what if they catch me and give a ticket was going in my mind. I was driving my car for almost a week without turning the lights ON!! [Was wondering all those days why I' was not able to see the road clearly, blamed it on rains and clouds! btw I used not wear glasses by then :)]. Thankfully found a parking lot, parked the car, figured out the knobs for lights, turned them on and then thought enough of Chutneys and almost accepted the defeat and thought that I'm stupid, overconfident and I should not do this again and thought of heading back to hotel and pack the stuff from regular Mayuri on the way! With head lights ON I came out of parking lot with OFF feelings and angry on myself for not taking the proper directions.

I come out of parking lot, see that it was a one way road and was forced to take a right turn out of parking lot and again confronted a traffic signal, waiting again for a green light. It was a long traffic signal, evening, raining, lots of cars on the road and I was waiting and my mind and eyes were just wandering around. Suddenly a light lit my head, I lowered my windows, there was a Indian guy in the next lane, as soon as I did that ,he realized that I was trying to ask him some thing, he lowered his window too, I sensed that light was about to get green, I shouted WHERE IS CHUTNEYS ??

He smiled and said take a right!!!!!!! And lights were green... [Saw him wondering why I asked him that question and might have thought that I’m making some excuse just to talk to him!!! I did see him smiling :)] I waited for cars in front of me to pass and I took a right turn... my joy knew no boundaries... oh! What did I see?? CHUTNEYS in front of me, the joy I felt was worth the effort and I was soooooo happy :), my face was lit with a smile so did my car and I entered the restaurant!!

[PS: I found this restaurant to be pretty decent one, no where near to the one in Hyd though and there were no dosa, forget about steam dosa. Did not feel like eating alone, just ordered togo veggie pulav and drove back to hotel happily and at last this over confident girl did not loose but found her way to Chutneys :)!!!!]